The pace and pressure of work across social care increasingly leaves people physically and emotionally exhausted. Emotional exhaustion creeps up on people.
The way we lead and how we make space for people to express how they are feeling makes a critical difference to the collective and individual experience of work and subsequently impacts those we care for.
By Professor Lynda Holt, CEO Braver Group and Honorary Professor of Social Leadership, University of Salford
Because emotional exhaustion is usually a cumulative process, even the person affected may not realise what’s happening. A gentle slide, subtle changes in behaviour, performance, and emotional engagement eventually give way to withdrawn or disruptive behaviour, like incivility, being overly judgemental, and inflexibility.
As their leader or co-worker, you may start to see early signs that someone is struggling, things like forgetfulness, having difficulty with everyday tasks, or an increase in minor ailments. More often, it’s the later behavioural changes like irritability, inflexibility, disconnection, cynicism, social withdrawal or appearing like they don’t care, that raise concern.
When the pressure is on, there’s a temptation to get your head down, focus on deliverables and avoid some of the messy, time-consuming, human conversations, especially when you probably won’t be able to ‘fix’ anything.
Those times when culture feels off, people are tired, unsettled, unhappy, or just going through the motions are the very times you need to make space for healing conversation.
Leaders need to get comfortable with healing conversation.
The primary purpose of healing conversation is to reduce emotional pain. It should not be linked with any formal performance or sickness / wellbeing process. Done well, healing conversations build connection, explore shared experiences, and enable people to express how they feel without judgement or repercussion.
Simply talking about emotion in a safe space reduces stress; it can be both validating and reassuring for those involved. Depending on the circumstances, they work well for small groups and one-to-one.
Trust is a key influencer in any workplace relationship and can sometimes be seen as a barrier, or even an excuse for not digging in and exploring what is really going on for people. Listening and making time for open, empathetic conversation actually builds trust. People feel that they are being heard, seen for where they are and cared about.
Having a container for people to express how they feel helps to reduce anxiety and frustration. It also helps to create perspective and understanding, helping to resolve conflicts and prevent some of the behavioural symptoms of emotional exhaustion from spilling into the workplace.
Before you start:
It’s likely all parties will feel vulnerable going into these conversations, and if you are leading it, your first job is to manage yourself. This is not a time for professional façade or masking. If the aim is to reduce emotional pain, at the very least you need to be connected, present and listening to the other(s) involved, not working hard to hide behind your own ‘mask’.
Protecting your own emotional health has very little to do with putting your game face, or uniform on, and getting on with it. It is about making space to process what you experience. Emotion is how we make sense of the world, physiologically as well as mentally. Having safe spaces to explore your own feelings outside of any healing conversation you might be facilitating is important.
The way you do this varies hugely from person to person; for some, talking is important, while journalling or physical activity work better for others. You need to be processing your emotions, not storing them up. When you are holding on tight, trying not to let others see when you are vulnerable, angry, or scared, you might feel more in control, but it won’t help you be yourself, connect with others, or build trust.
Before you engage in a healing conversation, check in with yourself to be sure you have the capacity to hold the conversation. It’s better to defer it if you don’t have the bandwidth or emotional capacity for it.
How to have a healing conversation:
Remember the purpose is to reduce emotional pain. Approach the discussion wanting to support and understand, not to judge or fix the person. Your role is to guide the conversation. Expect emotion and make space for people to experience their feelings. Use curiosity and reflection, allow room for silence and shared power, and ensure you close the conversation safely.
Create a safe space. Choose a neutral environment where possible. Ensure you will have undisturbed privacy. Establish ground rules around confidentiality, acceptable behaviour and boundaries for the conversation so people feel able to show up authentically and voice opinions, concerns or struggles, as well as how they are feeling.
Listen with curiosity. The purpose of this conversation is not to be right or to create agreement; it is about truly hearing the other person/people involved in order to reduce emotional exhaustion. Give the conversation your full attention, focus on the other person and resist the temptation to offer advice or ‘fix’ things.
Be Empathetic. Validate people’s feelings by acknowledging emotions explicitly. Affirmative statements like ‘I can see why you feel like that’ or ‘that sounds very challenging’ can help. You don’t have to agree or collude with their perspective, but you do need to believe it is true for them. This helps you stay out of judgement while everything gets aired. When you do speak, remember to speak from your own perspective to build connection rather than defensiveness.
Create golden threads. Most people will tell you what they need if you listen and watch closely. You see where they are hurting, what matters most to them and where the healing needs to happen. Be prepared to pull these threads together, highlight commonality, and shared purpose.
Close the conversation. This will vary depending on the context, but it is wise to suggest people take a little time for themselves before diving into another task if a lot of emotion has been explored. Express gratitude for people’s time and energy, and acknowledge the effort that has been put in. Reiterate any agreed outcomes or next steps, if there are any and create a container around the conversation.
Most of all, remember to model what you are asking of others, including vulnerability. When you can manage your own discomfort, you can navigate most conversations in a way that creates healing and reduces emotional exhaustion.
Professor Lynda Holt is the founder & CEO of The Braver Group and Honorary Professor of Social Leadership, University of Salford.
Photo: Christina @ wocintechchat.com
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